> Shmenty - the Jewish "Lassie"
> "Top Four" Radio- new format
> The Fat Channel - Bigger Stars
> Chopper 6, only on channel 6 ... duh!
> The "Miss Pregnant Teenager" Pageant
> New game show; "Name that Crazy President"
> Ghost Ants from the Tenth Dimension (in 3-D)
> Outdoor America; Gumby hunting on the Bayou
> Presidential thriller; "Toothbrush One is Missing"
> "Shut up, I love you", by the Bipolar Festival
Orchestra
> James Brown sings "Bless the Beasts and the Children"
> The San Jose Exceptional-Chicken Choir does "Night
on Bald Mountain"
> Teen Chef: See Tiffany prepare an entire meal while talking
on her cell phone
> New CD's; Slam Dancing to the Classics / Disco Whale Sounds
/ Rap Opera
> Scene from "ER": Doc shocks heart attack victim,
gets kicked in face by reflex
> They're futuristic, they're wacky, they're... Brains on
Chairs! This Fall on ABC
> This Sunday on the Sports & Religion channel ; Pro-choice
/ Pro-life football game
> Remaking famous scenes; "Frankly, my dear, I..."(tree
falls on Bret Butler, the end)
> New socio-political Reggae tune,"I shot the Mailman
(but I did not stab the pizza-guy)"
> Sweeps Week fare; "When Rabid Animals Attack Naked
Cheerleeders (& vice-versa)"
> On today's episode, the Smurfs discover a hidden stash of
speed and go stark raving mad.
> He's a clown, he's a lawyer - "Boffo, esquire".
Mondays, right after "Frontier Entomologist"
> How about an honest whiskey commercial with people going
nuts and fornicating in the streets
> Martha Stewart Special: Rustic clothes for cats A paper
towel cape? a hat from a paper cup? Easy!
> New from Disney, "Scurrying Home", the story of
one little roach's journey to his family 'way across town
> Sci-fi movies: "Rodentor" the 30 Foot Gerbil /
"Gantus" the Unusually Large Gnat / The Thing That
Ate Itself
> Tonight on "Galveston Tremelo - Lethargic Lawyer",
Galveston gets chest pains half-way up the courthouse steps
> New action show: "The Geriatric Squad - Special Hyperventilation
Unit". Tonight - man gets up from chair too fast
> This week on MTV's "Nature Rocks, Dude"; Metallica
camps out in the Antarctic to study ' the mating habits of penguins
> New Release - "Jimbob Sings in Tongues" (Note;
This is completely different from last year's "Jimbob Sings
in Gibberish"). Contains the hit single "Bona Basunda!",
and the hauntingly beautiful "Vavavava...AIYEEEEE"
- - - - - - -
> This Week on Oprah - makeovers for the criminally
insane / a woman who says that judges are too judgemental / a
spokesperson from the Skinhead Anti-Defamation League
> On "Issues & Answers" - A man who fears that
people are interfering with ants, a (nameless) woman who believes
that people should not have names, and someone who says life
is too long
> Parody: 1920's Tin Pan Alley; Young songwriter gets two
minutes to impress big-time publisher with his song - does obscene
rap-tune
> A very special Charlie Rose show: The legendary Marlon Brando
and Charlie will spend the entire hour blowing things out of
their noses
> New PBS shows - "Mr. Mojo Appraises your Trash"
( "a used tissue with tomato stains, .. hmmm ... 3 cents")
/ "People Ballroom-Dancing with Tranquilized Squirrels"
/ "Clowns at War"
> Today's show - romantic proposals. "How did you propose,
John?" "Well, I was performing open-heart surgery on
Kathy. She hadn't had quite enough anesthesia, so she was still
conscious. While I was holding her still-beating heart in my
hand I said "Will you marry me?', and she said "You
bet!'"
> Public Service Announcement: Hi, I'm "Baby Spice".
You know, every year, millions of people are traumatized by stepping
in dog-doo. They lose their sense of trust. Please, pick up that
poop - it's the law
> Dueling Deacons: "Ye shall be smite, and thy offspring
will wither like figs" "Oh yeah? well YE shall be cast
into thorns and thy head shall explode with the thunder of a
thousand oxen"
- - - - - - -
> U.S. Govenment training films: # 10,889: "Proper deployment
and use of ladders", narrated by Sinead O'Conner. #5,278,
"How to Lift Heavy Objects" an excerpt; "Breath
like this - a HOO a ha, a HOO a ha"
> A TV Spectacular! The History of the World in Fifty Foot
Hand Shadows on The Great Pyramid, with music by Yanni
> See the show that critics called "Highly Good",
"400 Girl Scouts Tap Dancing to the Anthems of all Nations"
> In my latest historical movie, "World War II - Ouch!",
I play all the parts through the magic of split-screen photography
and fake noses
> Telethon for people who need to look like Elvis ("
How old was little Johnny when you realized he was not going
to look like The King?")
> "Shplinki - His Life & Times": Story of the
Russian dissident clown who hid from the KGB in a suitcase for
8 years, living off of stored fat.
> New viewer advisory ratings : "NX" = This
show is not suitable for anyone . "AK47" = No one under
47 unless accompanied by an aardvark
> "A Comic Bomb"- Runaway train carrying nuclear
warheads & borscht-belt comedians hurtles toward unsuspecting
town, " Oy, this is scarier than Aunt Sadie's meatloaf"
> Bridge Police - Taming the 2,000 square-foot no man's land
between Pennsylvania and New Jersey that is the Walt Whitman
Bridge. Tonight's episode, "Toll Jumpers!"
> Today on Sally - Tiffany, 13, is living with Roger, 51,
a constitutional lawyer. Tiffany's dad says, "he's a flippin'
pervert". Roger says, "That sort of ad hominum argument
only serves to mitigate the dialectic process"
> On 60 Minutes: Crooked doctors doing shoddy specie-change
operations. Bill was a "rabbit trapped in a man's body".
He had an operation. Six months later, he was doing the bunny
hop at his high school reunion, "Everyone was watching,
I was living my dream", Bill said, "when my tail fell
off. I was bleeding profusely, people were shrieking in horror.
It was awful
> New game show, "Who Doesn't Want to Be a Nun?"
> Live, from Amsterdam, the XVII "Junkie Olympics":
events = Power snort / High jump / Projectile vomiting
> Spin-offs from "Good Morning America": "America,
Go Back to Bed" / "America, Have You Seen My Other
Green Sock?"
Possible Movie Ideas
> Fabio meets Benji (where's the conflict?). Well then,
how 'bout Peter, Paul and Mary meet Frankenstein (they're kind
of old, aren't they? Are you sure it's safe?)
> Scene from real-life courtroom drama: [Attorney hands papers
to witness] "Please read this document" [3 hours of
silence ensues, interrupted only by rustling papers, squeaking
chairs, and a 90 minute lunch break, while witness scans the
document intently, then speaks..] "I can't read"
> Sci-Fi premise: The year is 2009. A virus has decimated
the Earth. Through a complicated formula of succession, Little
Richard has become president. There are only 18 people left in
the United States. Half of them have talk shows.
> Scene: Doctors operating on patient. Rock music playing
from a CD player in the room (Old Time Rock & Roll). surgeons
gradually get more rowdy to the music, dancing, singing into
stethoscopes, playing opened rib cage like a xylophone, get the
unconscious patient up and make him dance and clap his hands
> A remake of "Some Like it Hot" with a historical
twist: To escape the conquering allied troops, Hitler and Goebels
masquerade as female musicians, with hilarious results
> "Death of a Salesman" on ice / "Snow White"
on cow dung (no skates, but the actors slide around freely) /
"Tora Tora Tora" on glue |
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