> The fear diet
> The love patch
> Gestalt Malt Liquor
> In-Your-Face Barbie
> Flea collars for people
> Bacteria Beanie Babies
> Sparkling Pork-Fat Wine
> Country Crotch Marmelade
> Log Kettle Cook-Taste Soup
> Gum with smoke in the center
> The face sander (sands away wrinkles)
> Door Mat Town: Buy 10, the 11th is free
> Tatoos for toddlers (branding for babies?)
> Serial-killer trading cards (big in the U.S.)
> The home insanity test - "Honey, I'm nuts!"
> Big Art's big art store (specializing in big art)
> DAS BOOT : The shoe that conquered Europe!
> Velveeta - The official cheese-food of the Islamic Jihad
> Call the "Psychic Lawyer Hotline" (how could you lose?)
> Inflatabe Jesus rides with you in the car (is also an air-freshener)
> Glarnex - forms a soothing protective barrier that keeps real life out
> New diet; cook all the fatty food you like, but you can't actually eat it
> Enigma International - "Changing the world three and a half eggplants at a time"
> The all new Cadillac. It's got a bazooka on the roof - doesn't your family deserve that?
> The Complete Works of Chuck Berry in Latin. A bound set. For the scholar on your list
> The Animal Liberation Front action figure (wire-cutters not included). Not tested on animals
> A new support group is forming for people who stepped in dog-doo. You're not alone anymore
> Love Insurance : If you should become unloved for any reason, you will receive big bucks to fill the void
> The Wilkinson Sword Pen: Write a manifesto and impale an enemy without changing utensils. It's mighty mighty
> Need to rid your realm of rival royalty? "Raid"(99% hemlock) clings to the clothes of crawly courtiers who carry it back to the Queen
> Are you ugly and stupid ? Doctor Bob's patented cosmetic head-replacement surgery will have you looking and thinking better in just a matter of weeks. All of our heads are U.S. government inspected
> NEW from Science Hut - Own your own clump of "dark matter" (it's invisible). Impress your friends. Comes in an attractive invisible pouch, with certificate of authenticity. Order now, and receive bonus items
> The world's royals are in danger of disappearing. Join "Save the Monarchs". For only a few pennies a week, you will receive a picture of your adopted King or Queen, and a monthly log of their regal activities
> NEW from Flatulent Technologies - The "Poop Shooter" A handsome tubular device that vacuums up dog poop from the your yard and then propels it in any desired direction (neighbor's roof, next county etc.)
> W
e wish no man ever had to hear the words, "The dogs are out looking for your penis", but if that difficult time should come, we're here for you. The New York Penis Reconnection Institute - That's all we do
> Do you ever feel like you're wearing a hat when you're not? This is a problem for many older Americans and can be easily corrected by Dr. Meinhoff's patented outpatient laser surgery to your crustacean gland. Medicare approved
> The Happiness Foundation has a new program designed to help troubled teens build self esteem by hunting elderly cows. So far, it has been even more well-received than their "Wheelchair Bullfighting" project. The Foundation also helped Billy - the boy who wanted a suit made of aluminum foil - to realize his dream. Now, Billy glows like the bumper of a '63 Cadillac
> Grow spare organs in decorative containers. Chia lung, chia gall bladder, and coming soon, chia brain. Trade with friends. Build your own person. Containers available in "Gothic" and "Techno-Glam"
> When you or a loved one has a body part bitten off by a crazed wolverine, you need a lawyer who specializes in crazed wolverine amputations.


- - - PERSONAL ADS - - -


 Name / Occupation

Likes / Activities


 Jody / Strolling cymbalist

Polka dots / God-fearing

 Call me NOW!

 Ernst / Professional leaf-blower.

Nude knitting, sassafras tea, and the subtle, elegant contours of a fine weasel snout 

 Shall we dance?

Module 47-B / (An international conglomerate of bio-mass)


 Be mine

Biff / Funeral DJ

Kick-boxing high-fashion mannequins / Vigorous scratching

 Let's cuddle

 Hoot / Renaissance Man

 Wearing stolen false-teeth / ...Is sleeping an activity ?

How's it goin ?

> If your plane crashes, is your fare refunded ?
> Drunks should be allowed to park in handicapped spaces.
A ballplayer who hits a ball into the stands should have to retrieve it.
> No one less than four generations removed from slavery should have to bag their own groceries.
> When a politician's speech preempts a TV show, he or she should have to tell us exactly what we've missed.
> World leaders should have to personally provide their own security. They should carry machine-guns and know kung-fu.
> New drugs should be tested on supermodels. They're always in the public eye, so if they start getting sick, everyone will notice
> Since being dead is the ultimate disability, I think all public buildings should have conveyer belts for dead people (airports already do)
> All airline passengers should be given parachutes (or, at least, bubble-wrap). And why not make the whole plane out of the black-box material?
> You know when you need a jump, and folks with little cars always say, "Are you sure it wont damage my battery?". Just once. I' like to see them hook up to my big Oldsmobile and then their car explodes.

   MOVIES / TV  / CDs  
> Shmenty - the Jewish "Lassie"
> "Top Four" Radio- new format
> The Fat Channel - Bigger Stars
> Chopper 6, only on channel 6 ... duh!
> The "Miss Pregnant Teenager" Pageant
> New game show; "Name that Crazy President"
> Ghost Ants from the Tenth Dimension (in 3-D)
> Outdoor America; Gumby hunting on the Bayou
> Presidential thriller; "Toothbrush One is Missing"
> "Shut up, I love you", by the Bipolar Festival Orchestra
> James Brown sings "Bless the Beasts and the Children"
> The San Jose Exceptional-Chicken Choir does "Night on Bald Mountain"
> Teen Chef: See Tiffany prepare an entire meal while talking on her cell phone
> New CD's; Slam Dancing to the Classics / Disco Whale Sounds / Rap Opera
> Scene from "ER": Doc shocks heart attack victim, gets kicked in face by reflex
> They're futuristic, they're wacky, they're... Brains on Chairs! This Fall on ABC
> This Sunday on the Sports & Religion channel ; Pro-choice / Pro-life football game
> Remaking famous scenes; "Frankly, my dear, I..."(tree falls on Bret Butler, the end)
> New socio-political Reggae tune,"I shot the Mailman (but I did not stab the pizza-guy)"
> Sweeps Week fare; "When Rabid Animals Attack Naked Cheerleeders (& vice-versa)"
> On today's episode, the Smurfs discover a hidden stash of speed and go stark raving mad.
> He's a clown, he's a lawyer - "Boffo, esquire". Mondays, right after "Frontier Entomologist"
> How about an honest whiskey commercial with people going nuts and fornicating in the streets
> Martha Stewart Special: Rustic clothes for cats A paper towel cape? a hat from a paper cup? Easy!
> New from Disney, "Scurrying Home", the story of one little roach's journey to his family 'way across town
> Sci-fi movies: "Rodentor" the 30 Foot Gerbil / "Gantus" the Unusually Large Gnat / The Thing That Ate Itself
> Tonight on "Galveston Tremelo - Lethargic Lawyer", Galveston gets chest pains half-way up the courthouse steps
> New action show: "The Geriatric Squad - Special Hyperventilation Unit". Tonight - man gets up from chair too fast
> This week on MTV's "Nature Rocks, Dude"; Metallica camps out in the Antarctic to study ' the mating habits of penguins
> New Release - "Jimbob Sings in Tongues" (Note; This is completely different from last year's "Jimbob Sings in Gibberish"). Contains the hit single "Bona Basunda!", and the hauntingly beautiful "Vavavava...AIYEEEEE"
- - - - - - -
> This Week on Oprah - makeovers for the criminally insane / a woman who says that judges are too judgemental / a spokesperson from the Skinhead Anti-Defamation League
> On "Issues & Answers" - A man who fears that people are interfering with ants, a (nameless) woman who believes that people should not have names, and someone who says life is too long
> Parody: 1920's Tin Pan Alley; Young songwriter gets two minutes to impress big-time publisher with his song - does obscene rap-tune
> A very special Charlie Rose show: The legendary Marlon Brando and Charlie will spend the entire hour blowing things out of their noses
> New PBS shows - "Mr. Mojo Appraises your Trash" ( "a used tissue with tomato stains, .. hmmm ... 3 cents") / "People Ballroom-Dancing with Tranquilized Squirrels" / "Clowns at War"
> Today's show - romantic proposals. "How did you propose, John?" "Well, I was performing open-heart surgery on Kathy. She hadn't had quite enough anesthesia, so she was still conscious. While I was holding her still-beating heart in my hand I said "Will you marry me?', and she said "You bet!'"
> Public Service Announcement: Hi, I'm "Baby Spice". You know, every year, millions of people are traumatized by stepping in dog-doo. They lose their sense of trust. Please, pick up that poop - it's the law
> Dueling Deacons: "Ye shall be smite, and thy offspring will wither like figs" "Oh yeah? well YE shall be cast into thorns and thy head shall explode with the thunder of a thousand oxen"
- - - - - - -
> U.S. Govenment training films: # 10,889: "Proper deployment and use of ladders", narrated by Sinead O'Conner. #5,278, "How to Lift Heavy Objects" an excerpt; "Breath like this - a HOO a ha, a HOO a ha"
> A TV Spectacular! The History of the World in Fifty Foot Hand Shadows on The Great Pyramid, with music by Yanni
> See the show that critics called "Highly Good", "400 Girl Scouts Tap Dancing to the Anthems of all Nations"
> In my latest historical movie, "World War II - Ouch!", I play all the parts through the magic of split-screen photography and fake noses
> Telethon for people who need to look like Elvis (" How old was little Johnny when you realized he was not going to look like The King?")
> "Shplinki - His Life & Times": Story of the Russian dissident clown who hid from the KGB in a suitcase for 8 years, living off of stored fat.
> New viewer advisory ratings : "NX" = This show is not suitable for anyone . "AK47" = No one under 47 unless accompanied by an aardvark
> "A Comic Bomb"- Runaway train carrying nuclear warheads & borscht-belt comedians hurtles toward unsuspecting town, " Oy, this is scarier than Aunt Sadie's meatloaf"
> Bridge Police - Taming the 2,000 square-foot no man's land between Pennsylvania and New Jersey that is the Walt Whitman Bridge. Tonight's episode, "Toll Jumpers!"
> Today on Sally - Tiffany, 13, is living with Roger, 51, a constitutional lawyer. Tiffany's dad says, "he's a flippin' pervert". Roger says, "That sort of ad hominum argument only serves to mitigate the dialectic process"
> On 60 Minutes: Crooked doctors doing shoddy specie-change operations. Bill was a "rabbit trapped in a man's body". He had an operation. Six months later, he was doing the bunny hop at his high school reunion, "Everyone was watching, I was living my dream", Bill said, "when my tail fell off. I was bleeding profusely, people were shrieking in horror. It was awful
> New game show, "Who Doesn't Want to Be a Nun?"
> Live, from Amsterdam, the XVII "Junkie Olympics": events = Power snort / High jump / Projectile vomiting
> Spin-offs from "Good Morning America": "America, Go Back to Bed" / "America, Have You Seen My Other Green Sock?"

Possible Movie Ideas
Fabio meets Benji (where's the conflict?). Well then, how 'bout Peter, Paul and Mary meet Frankenstein (they're kind of old, aren't they? Are you sure it's safe?)
> Scene from real-life courtroom drama: [Attorney hands papers to witness] "Please read this document" [3 hours of silence ensues, interrupted only by rustling papers, squeaking chairs, and a 90 minute lunch break, while witness scans the document intently, then speaks..] "I can't read"
> Sci-Fi premise: The year is 2009. A virus has decimated the Earth. Through a complicated formula of succession, Little Richard has become president. There are only 18 people left in the United States. Half of them have talk shows.
> Scene: Doctors operating on patient. Rock music playing from a CD player in the room (Old Time Rock & Roll). surgeons gradually get more rowdy to the music, dancing, singing into stethoscopes, playing opened rib cage like a xylophone, get the unconscious patient up and make him dance and clap his hands
> A remake of "Some Like it Hot" with a historical twist: To escape the conquering allied troops, Hitler and Goebels masquerade as female musicians, with hilarious results
> "Death of a Salesman" on ice / "Snow White" on cow dung (no skates, but the actors slide around freely) / "Tora Tora Tora" on glue

* For another funny website, check out richardland

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