Jimbob's Journal FARCE - Page 3

> If words could talk
> Dysfunctional Family Fun!
> Don't look at me in that tone of voice
> I come from a family with a history of death
> We are a nation of suers - i.e., litigation-happy.
> "Waiter, there are two large porcupines in my soup"
> Why is it Wednesday ? (from my 94 year old Mom)
> "Name the four seasons". "Football, basketball, baseball, hockey"
>"Do you see what I'm saying?" "No, but I hear what you're doing"
> " Normally, I wouldn't do that - but I never do anything normally"
> OK, mom, you can have a continuing objection to my appearance"
> At the Post Office; "I asked for Donald Duck stamps, this is Daffy Duck"
> "Hey doc, I can't remember my problems". . . "Have you tried meditating?"
> "Ma, come quick! I think we caught the Pillsbury dough-boy in the rat trap".
"Whoa - don't scare me like that ! " "OK, how would you like me to scare you ?"
> On a baseball broadcast: "And now, the Payne-Weber Crotch-Grab of the Game"
> "Click here if you'd like an auto response from an infobot" (sounds like my love life)
> "He reminds me of myself at that age". "How so?" "By being the same age - DUH!"
> Sign in courtroom; "The court is not responsible for stolen items" (well who the hell is?)
> "I am putting myself in your place, and I feel as if I should put my new self in my old place"
> Ladies and gentlemen, please honor America's robots and stand for the singing of, "Robots, Robots, Robots, Hurray
> Sign on junkyard gate: "Attack Dogs on Duty" How about if the dogs were there, but they weren't on duty - would they still attack ?
> "Life's just one big joke to you, isn't it?" "Sure, you mean it's not?" Ha ha, but seriously folks, millions of middle-aged people today suffer from 'humorous outlook syndrome', and believe me, it's no joke, - Please give generously
> A sign on "the strip" in Camden says "ALL NUDE REVIEW - TRUCKERS WELCOME". It's about time. You know, for years there was this elitist attitude amongst all-nude aficionados that the admission of truckers would somehow cheapen the whole affair
> I took the family to the Camouflage Museum, but we couldn't find it, so we drove down to the Decoy Museum, and while we were in there, our car was robbed
> "Since the accident, I haven't been able to play football with my son." "Wouldn't it be better to play football with a football ?"


 > Herbert Vooont earned a degree in crisis counseling despite suffering from chronic panic attack syndrome
> Saint Jim the Happy (my patron saint) remained moderately inebriated throughout his brief but benevolent life
> Joe Schmutz somehow finds time in his busy life to play practical jokes on street people (exploding cigarettes, hot gum, etc.). It adds excitement and meaning to their dreary lives. Thanks Joe!
 > The latest trendy hobby for the rich & famous is squirrel watching. Seems the beautiful people can't get enough of those fuzzy little varmints doing their wild ,wild animal business. Isn't that Tyra Banks behind that squirrel blind ?
> Did You KnowThat... former British Prime Minister Margaret Thatcher can identify any animal, blindfolded, by smell
> Cornelius Plockhoy (1901-1999) worked tirelessly and spent his entire family fortune trying to bring the word "ye" back into popular use
> Count Otto Shmedlap was convinced that man could survive eating only red plastic checkers. Tragically, he died before plastic was invented
> Ernie McGibblley gets his wheelcair onto the bus five mornings a week, rain or shine, and rides the 20 miles into town, where he gets drunk and sings "take Me Out to the Ballgame" for eight hours
> For some unknown reason, football coach Vince Lombardi used to end every halftime-speech to his team with the admonition, "OK boys, now let's make a hat!". No one ever had the guts to ask him why, they just cheered and ran out the door
> More and more self-made millionaires are running for president these days. South Dakota's Elmer Narningham III Jr. made his fortune lifting heavy boxes outside the grocery store. He has a bold new plan to give everyone in America three dollars and seventeen cents
> My friend Vladimir came to the U.S. from USSR in the 1970's. Whenever someone on the TV said "call now!", he called.
> Emperor Yan Fing (200-202 AD) devised an elaborate system of hand signals for pedestrians. He is considered the inventor of both the left and right turns
> 19th century songwriter Delbert Bingham wrote the songs that kept America's new immigrants singing: "Yes, I'm not Yugoslavian", "It's a Good Thing I'm not Irish (It's a Good Thing I'm not Gay)", and many more.


> Add extra bumps to brail messages
> Drive alongside joggers and harass them. If they try to attack you, just speed off
> Give 100 people with no musical training band instruments an enter them in a parade
> To counter those people who walk along the street singing real loud, carry a trumpet and use it
> Send an adult out on the street with a secret transmitter-receiver hookup, and have a 6-year old tell him what to say
> Call someone's answering machine, record their outgoing message, and play it back onto their tape. Do this several dozen times
> I love twisting technology to my own absurdist ends. I once arranged (at great , great expense), a conference call between myself, a person picked at random from the Moscow phone book, and a talking bird.
> If you can see into your neighbor's living room, see if your remote can affect their TV. If that's not crazy enough, if they have a baby monitor setup, you get one too, and send them satanic messages
> At election time, rent a van with a loudspeaker, hang big pictures of yourself on the side, and drive aloud playing marching music and screaming "Habada heebada hoo. Blagada bloogada blooey" into the microphone
> When you're walking in a crowded city, every now & then, pretend you're calling to someone. Yell, "Billy, . .YO BILLY" real loud. It feels good. Alternatively, wear a hard hat and bang on a pole with a hammer. People will try not to notice. Bang Harder.

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