> Don't pay the band before the gig
> Never buy dope on credit / Never sell dope on credit
> Shop hungry, otherwise you won't bring enough food home
> Never let a smile be your umbrella if a real umbrella is available
> No need to look both ways when you're crossing a one-way street
> Don't give your life back unused - live it up. That's why you've got senses
> When walking, wear aerodynamic clothes (or no clothes, if possible) to cut wind resistance
> If you wish to appear important, never say anything yourself - get yourself a spokesperson
> If you're forced to slow dance and don't know how, remember two words - waddle and rotate
> When you wish to emphasize a point, try passing wind as you say it (for advanced students only)
> When flying on commercial aircraft, wear a spaghetti pot on your head and insist on standing by the door
> When scratching your back with your fork at a posh dinner party, take care not to shred your jacket. That would be a fauxpas
> Don't throw away that liposuctioned fat, feed it to the birds. It's just like having your ashes scattered, only it's fat, and you don't have to be dead
> Make statistics work for you. When attending an event that may be the target of terrorists, take a bomb with you. It's not likely that there would be two bombs at the same event
> If you're driving on a busy highway and your car's cigarette lighter pops out onto your lap, stay calm, and gradually work your way over to the side of the road (using hand signals). If your crotch should burst into flame, jump from the car and roll on the ground, being careful not to get run over. This has happened to me several times
> Before entering a revolving door, check to make sure no large, brutish people are entering behind you. Otherwise, you could be knocked down and shuttled around in your glass cubicle like a week-old vending machine sandwich. This happens to me regularly
> If you ever sing "99 Bottles of Beer", be sure to start at 99 and count DOWN. If you count up, you'll be singing forever (that's how Jesus tricked Satan in the desert)
> To aspiring young socialites; Always remember the 3 H's of witty badinage - hair, hats, and, hamsters - work them into the conversation as often as possible and you'll always be on the "A"-list
> If you're at a pop-concert and some smug, self-centered performer exhorts the crowd to "Clap your hands!" , shout back, "Clap your own freakin' hands, you're getting paid for it"
> Bad names for businesses ; Inferior Beverage Company / Stinky's Meats

> Q. My Eyes are bulging and I'm having trouble breathing for the last few years. What's up ?
A. Usually, in cases like that, you've grown too big for your clothes. I know it's difficult, but you should buy new ones. Get them a few sizes too big, and they should last you the rest of your life
> Q. I keep hearing about "female hair loss". As a guy, do I need to worry about it?
A. Good question. Up to 40% of your hairs may be female. You need to get in touch with them and nurture them just like your male hairs,. Otherwise, they will wither and die
> Q. Why do they make drinking-straw covers so that they can no longer be blown off the straw? I used to have such fun doing that.
A. It's all part of the effete liberal yuppie conspiracy to take all of the risk and excitement out of life. These are the same people who gave us the poop-scoopers and bug-zappers. If you would like to join the resistance, we have a training facility in Newark
> Q. What's the funniest thing in the world?
A. Studies show that it's a hairy hamster wearing a stovepipe hat and platform shoes
> Q. I'm decomposing but I'm not dead. What to do?
A. I suspect you may be prematurely dead. Here are some warning signs; Loss of appetite. Trouble completing even simple tasks. Watching excessive amounts of TV (especially talk shows). Try have yourself laminated to impede the decay.
Q.The TV in my bedroom keeps turning on and off all night. What could it be?
A. You're rolling on the remote. Don't keep it in bed with you, give it it's own bed
Q. I have stopped bathing because I believe that if you don't have an odor, you cease to exist. Am I disgusting?
A. Only to others
Q. What can I do to help keep kids off drugs? A. Don't have kids
> Q. Will there ever be bingo in space? A. Yes. Scientists are working on it.


>  The most efficacious maneuver, by a factor of ten, is picking things up with your feet. With practice, you will be able to hop to the trash can on one foot while carrying the item to be discarded in the other foot. This protects delicate back muscles and leaves hands free to perform more important duties (e.g. opening cans)
> If something should catch on fire in your apartment, throw it out the window immediately! But don't forget to shout an appropriate warning - I once dropped a piece of smoldering toast on an elderly gentleman and it gave me chronic fatigue syndrome
> Guys, after using the facilities away from home, try actually cleaning your hands. You may find that this expends less energy than noisily simulating the sounds of washing
> A stuffed glove on the end of a stick makes a nice tool for petting small animals without having to bend over. Of course in shoeless settings, you can just pet them with your feet (although you risk being bitten)


 > Look in the mirror every morning and say "I love you". Then have a noisy grope with a full-sized replica of yourself
> Do something nice for someone without their knowledge, e.g., dedicate a bodily function ("that went out to the gang at Elmo's Garden Supply")
> "If you give a man a hard-boiled egg, you feed him for a day, but if you teach that same man how to slip on a hard-boiled egg at a large American casino, you feed his entire village for 37 years" Jack Flonko, director of "The Fleece Corps", a group of lawyers who travel to third-world countries and teach them how to initiate phony law suits
> Warning signs that you have "fear of abandonment / separation anxiety"; 1.) You buy more bananas than you need because you hate to break up a bunch. 2.) You don't know whether to eat your food or just keep it forever
> If you've ever been told you're stupid, consider this; The amount of stuff that even the "smartest" people know, compared to the amount of really important stuff that nobody knows, is infinitesimally small. We are all equally stupid. Your two cents is as good as anyone's.
> A new type of holistic therapy has made the scene. In his new book, "Tapping Into the Subconscious", Zappo, from the hit Broadway musical "Stomp", chronicles the healing power of tap dance. It seems certain patterns affect certain areas of the brain. For example, to cure depression, simply tap out "Thump-a-diddy thump / rikka tikka TIK!" Zappo is presently tapping out his healing message to the war-torn residents of Serbia


> For you seniors - don't hesitate to feign senility if it helps get you into the bedroom
> Subtle signs of trouble: Your wife's shopping list says, "bread, tomatoes, kill husband"
 > Where not to look for dates: at the car-vacuuming place (unless you, too, are a compulsive twit)
> How to meet people: sit in front of an elevator door on the 2nd floor of a busy hotel. Have a long stick so you can keep pushing the call button without getting up. People we be displayed to you continuously. Have your phone number on a large poster board
> Do you always find yourself making noises like "Curly" of the Three Stooges at the moment of ecstasy? Order my new audiotape, "Make Love Like a Pro". with a special section on "Sexy Grunts, Groans, & Catch-Phrases" by Barry White

> See my writings on animal experimentation
> Adults turn into children (by reproducing) and children turn into adults (by reading adult books)
> Academia and industry make copious use of cadavers (dead people - mostly those who magnanimously leave their bodies to science). Most of it is deadly boring. I hereby propose some more interesting careers for corpses:
Pinata / anchor / bullet-proof shield / front man in toboggan / Seat-filler at TV award show / puppet / playing dead people in movies / scarecrow / paperweight / door stop / Air bag / elevator counterbalance / action figure / psychotherapist
> You know how, when you're driving, a moving buffer of air keeps you from hitting Butterflies ? Well, if we made cars real big, they'd blow off people just like butterlfies instead of running them over. I estimate that the cars would have to be two hundred and seventy feet high, weigh fifty tons, and go four thousand miles per hour.


> I'm writing software that will teach people how to breath (in case they forget)
>  I like to twist my chest hairs into little knots and then rip them out. Is that a craft ?
> I think it's really cool how sanitation workers attach recovered items (stuffed animals, pirate flags, you name it) to their trucks


 >The "Footleg"; That posterior appendage on a cat that can, in turn, function as a foot or as a leg
> If you get really really drunk, but you keep on drinking, you will actually attain a sober-like state, although the laws of physics will no longer apply
> The Cha-Cha is really a march. We could be cha-cha-ing into battle instead of marching.
> I have dicovered a new direction; Jimbob-East
> I've (mentally) discovered a new color, "boinkadiddle-green". I can't reproduce it, but I'll know it when i see it.
> To discourage teens from having sex; Show them films of monkeys having sex
> Don't bother trying to serenade squirrels with your saxophone - they just run away 
> I believe we could conserve valuable open space by combining cemetaries and golf courses
> I think it's time that the U.S. should take over Great Britain. They're small, the rest of the world won't care, and it will actually improve their standard of living. I'm drawing up a plan.
> Muggers should have to wear photo ID tags and pay taxes on their booty. Also, if you're short on cash, you should be able to put it on a credit card (sample receipt - "mugging, by Ralph Smith 9/5/00, $60.")
> When walking in a crowded city, find someone large and walk behind them. Use them as a "blocker"
> This is how I dance to "Funkytown"; Twirl, twirl, squat, hop, release colorful streamers, skip, prance, and ....Freeze!
> To get out of a restaurant without paying your bill: go into the restroom, attach fake rats all over your body, then run out the front door, screaming. Do not return to that restaurant for a while
> Handy Shortcuts : Instead of praying for every little thing, just pray for a perfect world. / Instead of being afraid of lots of things, just be afraid of fear itself. / For Catholics - instead of confessing all those embarrassing carnal sins, just omit them and add that number to the lie column
> I have now watched enough hospital TV shows to know how to impersonate a doctor; Simply put on a smock & a shower cap, smear yourself with ketchup, burst into an operating room a shout, "give me thirty seven cc's of globulin - STAT!, and begin poking your fingers into any available orifice as if your were looking for lost keys
> If you want to trap an Irishman, get him between two mirrors. He won't know which way to look, and will be immobilized

> Write your own wise & witty aphorisms: (a) is like (b), it (c)'s when (d) 
> For the old pre-remote TV's, a long stick with a notch in it works quite well
> Exploring Space On Your Own (for under thirty dollars) : You can make a quite-nice rocket from an old hot water heater filled with match heads and a swivel chair bolted on top. "We have liftoff of the big white metal thing with astronaut Jimbob on board. Godspeed, big white metal thing". I only went up a few hundred feet and then separated from the booster and para-glided (using an old blanket) into my neighbor's yard . He was wearing a big puffy chef hat that said "Soup's On!", and he flogged me with a spatula. I can say no more while the case is pending


> It's bad if your hair looks better than you do
> Avoid mustard. It will find its way onto your clothes like squirrels onto a bird feeder
> FYI: hip fashion "looks" ; Fantasy Dingbat / Sultry Clown / Stark Raving Mad / "ER" scrubs (with fake blood-stains) / Casual Filth / Lady-Like (that one's for real!) /
> Make your own clothes from household items - it's fun. Put on a fashion show for friends & family
> Run to the store for cigarettes. Why drive when you could be jogging?
> If you wear powerful reading glasses at mealtime, the food will look huge, and you'll eat less
> Men, don't let dairy products fester in your moustache. You may asphyxiate yourself (That's what killed Napoleon)
> If your hair springs a "wing", cut the wing off. That will both remove the objectionably salient feature and also serve as an example to other hairs that might be contemplating similar behavior
> Gents, don't leave an uncovered Hi-Liter pen in your pants pocket. The fabric will suck out all of the dye (osmosis, baby!), and leave you with a yellow stain the length of the entire leg - NOT a turn-on for most women
> When bathing, do you have trouble remembering which body parts you've already washed? Try using a soap containing a temporary dye (tropical colors are nice), so you can easily follow the progress of your bath.
> I tried jogging once, but I started coughing up objects the size of golfballs (some of them were golfballs), so I stopped
> It takes more muscles to frown than to smile, so don't be lazy- frown !
> Health Tip: Watch what you eat. If it moves, makes a sound or changes color, stop eating it.