|BOOKS / MAGAZINES|
> The Doodles of Ghengis Kahn
> An exerpt from the Modern Cinema interview with legendary filmmaker Yojimbo Harikura
|> Football was invented by
the beer industry
> Most holidays are created by the greeting card industry. Latest example = Total Stranger Day, August 14th. "You're probably special to someone, so have a pleasant day!"
> Halloween? - Candy makers
|> Shoes that clean the floor
> The "Shock-o-matic" violin teaching method
> The ankle-watch. Cross your legs, see the time
> A "shirt - hanger"; Like a coat hanger, but for shirts!
> Telephones with special attachments for long-distance romance
> A car with a horn that constantly blows (ala daytime running lights)
> Shirts with absorbent, stain-resistant sleeves to wipe your mouth on
> A refrigerator with a front door and a back door so you don't have to reach for food
> A shoplifting scanner that acts like a giant bug-zapper. Eliminates the need for costly trials
> "The Walking horn" attaches to your head and blasts a warning to tell other pedestrians to get out of the way
> Shoes that expunge dog-doo at the flip of a lever ( this stock went down after the pooper-scooper laws were enacted)
> Weighted Puffed-Wheat: A small, non-lethal dose of lead in each Puff keeps it from jumping out of the bowl when you add milk
> A dog leash that attaches to a spool on top of a helmet worn by the "master". Thus, the dog doesn't get his feet tangled in the leash, and the humans's hands are left free to read the newspaper. (Caution, if a rabbit or other small varmint should appear, REMOVE THE HELMET IMMEDIATELY!)
> In 1974, I invented the "running put" in golf, whereby the golfer runs with the putter, pushing the ball along and into the hole. This shot was banned by the Professional Golfers' Association because they feared it would open golf to the average person and destroy the elitist nature of their sport.
|> New religious cult - The
> New cosmological find - "Massholes"
> Russian missles on the way! Details at 11
> "...Four people were injured seriously, seven humorously"
> Power outage sparks WASP rioting on Philadelphia's wealthy Main Line
> Tonight's Apathy Support Group meeting has been cancelled due to lack of interest
> Researchers at Fizbin University have determined that life is always exactly as it seems
> Tropical storm Peekaboo has been upgraded from a pain-in the-ass to a Royal pain-in the-ass
> New law: if you kill someone accidently, and no one claims the body, you can have them stuffed and mounted.
> A new study says that one-third of Americans are overweight, and fully one-sixth are humongous, undulating mountains of flab
> Sesame Street's Big Bird, who checked in to the Betty Ford Clinic for "exhaustion", is rumored to have a massive flea infestation
> Philip Morris Tobacco company announced that last year they spent ten billion dollars on pro-smoking advertising, and ten billion on anti-smoking advertising
> Boston's experimental "Pink Elephant", a free shuttle for inebriated bar patrons, had to be discontinued due to fighting and fornicating on the bus. Henceforth, overzealous tipplers will be tranquelized and stacked in holding bins
> Mass murderer's excuse - sensitive teeth. He was given two consecutive death sentences. He'll be run over by a steam roller (after being sedated), and then blown up real good
> Compurama, the world's largest internet service provider, announced that there are only two possible user names left - XGLOZBK113, and VDDDADSS55. Better hurry
> Down-on-his-luck former TV star "Barney" is being sought as a suspect in several New York bank robberies. Surveillance photographs show a 6 foot, 300 pound purple male dinosaur with a stocking over his head
> Jimbob has announced that his upcoming series of concerts will be titled "The Nap Tour". Merchandise will include "Jimbob slept here" T-shirts, and Jimbob inaction figures
> Ronald McDonald's critically acclaimed one-man show comes to Carnegie Hall tonight. Please note, no one will be admitted after Mister McDonald's shoes explode
> The Department of Transportation is considering the addition of a blue light to the green - yellow - red traffic light configuration. It would mean "No, Really, Stop !"
> Yet another new political party is emerging, this time from California, the "Whatever" party. Their major issue is that free Dolly Parton wigs should be distributed to homeless people, to "help beautify America"
> A Titan rocket carrying raw sewage from New Jersey into space exploded over Yabadaba yesterday. Frightened Yabadabans took the resultant "dark rain" as a sign of God's displeasure with their western-style footwear
> Indonesia: Angry protesters threw handfuls of dirt at police. Police responded with guns, bombs, tear gas, nerve gas, biological weapons, and then spanked each protester individually, really hard.
> Come to the Renaissance Fair: Have your face painted like a leper, poop in a hole in the ground, and drink unpasteurized milk
|> Lesser-known folk
legends: The wacky reaper. "Hey, pull my finger
- you're dead !" / The non-fighting Irish
> Corporate Coups: That fateful day when Converse employees infiltrated Nike's holiday buffet and ate all the shrimp. Nike's employee activity director resigned in disgrace, and committed Hari-Kari a week later.
> One of the great American success stories is the Park n' Krap Corporation, a national chain of drive-through restrooms for stressed out people on the go. Bolstered by the enormous popularity of their spokescharacter, Pappy Krappy ("that lovable mountaineer with the chronic outhouse-trot), they have raised millions of dollars for the "Pappy Krappy Home for Anal Retentives" at Big Sur
> Bob and Fuzzy were as close as man & hamster could be (they had even made an "Eternity" ad together). Although Fuzzy was well, Bob took him for a checkup. The vet said, "He's fine for his age". "But he's only three", said Bob, "what's his normal lifespan?". "Three", said the doc. "What can I do", pleaded Bob, "can I donate a kidney?"."No, Bob, he doesn't need a kidney, and anyway, your kidney is bigger than he is". In shock, Bob took Fuzzy on a whirlwind world tour - Disney world, Colonial Williamsburg, Mount Everest, and finally, the Vatican. As they were leaving their Papal audience, Bob was run over by all 18 wheels of an 18 wheeler. He survived on life support until his insurance ran out. Fuzzy went on to become the second non-human Lieutenant Governor of California.
> On April 20, you are invited to the wedding of Nature and Man. A reception will be held afterward at The Inn of the Three Stooges
> Recently declassified documents reveal that the respective armies' choices of snack foods for D-Day were crucial to the battle's outcome.
03:00 - M&M's ; Melts in mouth, not in hand
12:33 - Bananas; Eat fruit, throw peel
23:17 - Life Savers; Long lasting flavor, subliminal hint of
03:44 - Little bags of nuts. Machine-gunners are overrun while struggling with the stubborn foil packets
14:27 - Knockwurst in a blanket; Gas masks required
23:24 - Candy apples; Sticky, unwieldy, bright red targets. The party's over, Adolph
|>The invading Normans
were met by the invading Bobs
> What the plaque left on the moon really says is, "We came and pissed for all mankind"
> Re: statues of famous soldiers on horseback: If the horse has all four feet off the ground, it means that the rider hid until the battle was over, pretended to be insane, then requested asylum in Switzerland
> When Fidel Castro was on Wheel of Fortune (during "Dictators" week), he ruined it for everyone by guessing "blood-sucking yankee bastards" for every puzzle. What's worse, he was the big winner when the bonus-round puzzle turned out to be "blood-sucking yankee bastards". He donated the money to the People's Revolutionary Front, but he kept the car ( a Dodge mini-van))
> Who can forget the time that pioneer atonal composer Arnold Schoenberg and American great Aaron Copeland appeared together on "The Merv Griffin Show" wearing the exact same green leisure suit. As if that weren't bad enough, when they attempted to do a two-piano version of Schoenberg's "Transfigured Night" from memory, it fell apart badly after only a few measures. Copeland kept yelling "what key?", and Schoenberg would shout back "it's atonal, idiot!". The whole affair degenerated into tumbling brawl with the two maestros tearing at each other's leisure suits. They didn't speak until 10 years later, during a tearful reunion at a Friars' Club Roast, (during which the whole horrible episode happened again!)
> Excerpt from the famous Nixon - Kennedy debate; "You don't have to yell" "I wasn't yelling" "You were TOO" "I WAS NOT"
> Excerpt from the Clinton - Bush debate; "No one who knows all the lyrics to 'Wooly Booly' should ever be president". "Oh yeah? Well, at least my favorite group isn't Tommy James and the Shondells. What the hell's a Shondell anyway?" "Drop dead, butt-face"