Kitchen Safety by
For the Modern Male
Over three billion men are injured in cooking accidents each year.
You have probably never heard this statistic, because no one likes
to talk about it, but it's high time someone did.
Bert, 43, a bachelor, flipped a red-hot corn fritter into his
own face. He ran screaming and delirious for seventeen miles,
wearing only his "Home of the Whopper" boxer shorts
before a passing motorist noticed him and took him to a hospital.
By that time, the fritter had fused to his skin, requiring a highly
specialized team of surgeons (best known for separating Siamese
twins) for extrication.
Tom, 27, a stay-at-home dad, was removing a bag of unshelled walnuts
from the microwave when it exploded with the force of ten sticks
of TNT, subjecting him to a horrifying hail of nutty shrapnel,
and necessitating the services of yet another team of renowned
The list goes on, men searching for snacks and finding misery
and disfigurement instead. It's so sad and unnecessary, since
just a little knowledge can go a long way. All you really need
are a few basic tenets of kitchen safety.
RULE 1. Wear protective gear. It just makes good sense. Goggles,
hardhat, and asbestos garments are all essential to the safe and
responsible preparation of food.
RULE 2. If you should drop something, avoid the impulse to immediately
pick it up. You could rupture a disk or knock a pot of boiling
water onto your back (Or both. Imagine being severely scalded
AND hopelessly stuck at a ninety degree angle. ). Instead, run
the following check list concerning the fallen component; Do I
really need it? When do I need it? Articles of low-ranking importance
can be left to accumulate until periodic "sweeps", during
which you make a deliberate, well-planned excursion to the floor
to round them all up at once. Things that are needed right away
can be picked up with the feet, or, if you're wearing shoes, a
RULE 3. Be prepared to stand guard over the food for as long as
it takes. Never let any of it out of your sight, because that's
when things can go wrong and seconds count. If, in spite of your
diligent reconnaissance, an item of food should become involved
in flame or otherwise behave in an unexpected or unnatural way,
swift decisive action is imperative. Identify the source of the
conflagration and GET IT OUT OF THE HOUSE. Time's a-wastin'! The
quickest way to do so is to toss it out the window. If the window
is shut, throw it through the window or knock out the glass with
your sharp stick.
Always shout an appropriate warning such as "Burning beans!",
or "Hot meat!". Some experts recommend yelling "I'm
being robbed" as a better attention-grabber, but I disagree.
I once threw a piece of flaming toast out of my fourth-floor apartment
screaming, "I'm being robbed", and it so confused and
frightened an elderly woman on the street that she pulled out
a gun and shot her husband. As a result of that incident, I have
developed clinical depression which prevents me from holding any
job that requires me to actually do anything. Since I am suing
myself, I cannot say anymore about it while the case is pending.
So you see, there's more at stake here than just your corporeal
integrity. Your very mental stability can be permanently disrupted
in the wink of an eye.
RULE 4. Have fun! Armed with these simple rules, you can cook
with relative impunity and turn your kitchen into a Paradise worthy
of the cover of a Jehova's Witness pamphlet. Hot meat, anyone?