One of my literary heroes passed away
last week. Maxine Zonk, the woman who authored the phrase "Baby
on Board", died of an acute anachronism. She finally fell
so far out of step with the times that she spontaneously evaporated.
She was 112. She is survived by her 17 children, 42 grandchildren
and 137 great-grandchildren.
Once asked for the secret of her longevity, she said, "Wherever I went, I always had a baby on board. It saved my life many times."
After the public became acclimated to it, and the efficacy of the ubiquitous placard began to wear off, Zonk tried to follow up on her success with, "Multiple Babies on Board", "Show Dogs on Board", "School Students on Board" (more precious even than regular students), and, in a vain attempt to keep up with modern mores, "You Toucha my Car, I Breaka you Face", but none ever achieved the stupendous success of her initial opus.
She claimed that her greatest influence was the work of the pseudo-French neonatal-realist Yvonne Ceci-Bon, who penned such classics as, "Have a nice Day", and "Nuclear War is not good for plants and other living things". Ironically, Ceci-Bon died in 2003 when she swerved to avoid hitting a vehicle that had a "baby on board" sign, and she plunged over a 10,000 foot cliff. Even more ironically, she survived the fall but was killed when the car she had swerved to avoid fell on top of her. She is survived by her two show dogs, Princess Nirvana Rosanadana and Arfy Wigglesberger III, who were, thankfully, not on board at the time of the accident.