Jimbob's Journal
ALLIGATORS!
by Jim Harris
Broadcast news has left the tracks
and everybody knows it. All we can do is enjoy the comic insanity
of journalism's final days.
I'm not making this up. A recent
local TV news broadcast led with "An alligator is found in
OUR AREA!" Turns out it was a dead alligator found frozen
to death on a street in Bethlehem and subsequently stuffed by
the local taxidermist. No matter, in the interest of the people's
right to know, a crack news team was dispatched to the scene to
stick a microphone into passing cars, saying, "An alligator
was found right over there", and wait for responses. To
the editors' credit, the person they picked to air was as far
removed from anything alligator (except for maybe shoes) as anyone
could possibly be. This large, animated woman looked wide-eyed
into the camera and shouted "Alligators? I'm gettin' outta
here!" It was like a scene out of Abbott & Costello
meet Frankenstein, and it will undoubtedly win an Emmy for some
sort of excellence. What could have made the piece even more excellent,
however, would have been if another reporter had simultaneously
snuck up behind the woman and poked the stuffed reptile into her
car. A great opportunity missed. The woman in the car has since
become the station's resident reporter on nature and wildlife,
and her catch phrase is - say it with me - "I'm gettin' outta
here!"
The very next story that night
was about a man who had lost his thumb in a snow-blowing mishap
and had a toe grafted on to his hand to replace it. " It's
called a 'thoe' " chirped the health reporter with a smirk
crouching coyly just below the surface. The taped portion of the
segment consisted of a shot of the poor shlub and his thoe
lying drugged in a hospital bed, and a chipper Doc-in-the-box
saying how the guy would eventually play banjo again.
I must admit, I really admire the skill of those news anchors
in being able to
A. Not laugh constantly
B. Keep from committing Hari-Kari. It's really the only honorable
way out.
Oh, and as for our the under-thirty
set, they get all of their news from the internet. They find two-minute
pieces about stuffed alligators and transplanted toes too tedious
and intellectually demanding, so they watch 10-second pieces about
narcissistic, dysfunctional "celebrities" and weigh
in on such pressing matters as, "Is it fair that Frenchie
got booted off of American Idol? - Yes/No/Not Sure". The
last society that worshiped idols wound up eating sand for forty
years. I suspect our fate may be even worse.
It is now clear to me that mankind's
decline has finally carried us to below the intelligence level
of monkeys. Anyone who has seen any of the Planet of the Apes
movies knows that this day has been coming. I just hope that
whatever species now assumes control of the planet - alligators
perhaps - is as kind and respectful to us as we have been to them.
I'm gettin' outta here!.
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